Do you ever find it just amazing how something that seems like a ginormous boulder that you can't even begin to imagine how you will get over or around it looking back turns into a stepping stone on to who you become....
11 years ago today (Columbine shooting day fyi) was the first of 8 miscarriages/D&C's for me...... a journey that lasted 8 years...
I have read so many blogs lately with people writing of their experiences and often wonder if I should write at all about mine.... I feel I am actually a pro at the whole thing an expert not by choice....but I wonder if my thoughts and feelings could help someone now or even help someone in the future...(I just pray not my own daughters) like a journal maybe.... so I will post a little sad part of my life but a part none the less I am grateful for still the same.....
Just a few miscarriage facts/tidbits..... For me it always seemed not to follow the norm... my doctor told me once I couldn't even have an ultra sound normal/like everyone else...
1. If you hear the heart beat your chances of miscarrying go down quite a lot.... false for me I heard it on almost everyone of mine...
2. Only 2% of the population who have a 2nd trimester or farther along miscarriage will it happen to again.... your chances of it happening twice is less then 2%....... I am the lucky less then 2%
3. Your not usually sick with babies you will miscarry.... False threw my guts up every time!!
4. If its happened once you know what to expect and it gets less sad..... You can build up a callus and not get your hopes up each time that this may be the one that is going to make it.... False No matter how much you tell yourself over and over I will not be sad this time.... you still are!!!
5. The farther along you are the harder/sadder it is... Very True!!
6. Comments like its Natures Way of Weeding out the bad are really helpful.... FALSE really can you get any dumber??? I will be sad for the healthy baby I wanted and didn't get no matter what...
7. Friends will come and refuse to leave until you come down and talk to them and you will never forget that or their kindness... others will avoid you or the topic all together and that's ok at least for me too..
8. Someone at church will ask you if your pregnant at the exact wrong time and you will respond horribly!!!! Like NO well actually yes I guess the dead baby is still in there, leaving them with no other option but just walking away.... I'm so very sorry!!
9. Your sister delivering a baby the same week you have to deliver one that didn't make it is ok, and actually holding their newborn is therapeutic... and the whole thing is probably just as hard for them as it is for you.
10. You will actually think in your head at the pool or park or what have you, would anyone notice if I just walked away with this little baby over here???
11. There will be 10 or more pregnant people in your neighborhood at the same time and half of them will talk about how they really didn't want to be and you will die inside because after so many times you wait to tell people you are even pregnant so most people don't know that you have just lost yours AGAIN.... others will find out even if you try to not let anyone know...
12. Your heart will feel completely broken and you can not imagine ever feeling happy. Yet with prayer amazingly you are comforted.
13. You will cry your eyes out when the bruise from your I.V goes away because that is the last thing you have left of that little baby you held in your arms for just that brief second!
14. You will feel completely guilty (at least me) for everything you could have possibly done wrong in the past few days/weeks that would have caused Heavenly Father to not trust you with another little person.... (crazy thoughts I'm sure but none the less exactly how I felt every time). Like yelling at your neighbor over something really stupid... yelling at your kids...etc etc
15. You will still cry 11 years later reading a sweet note from your older brother, or6 years later looking at pictures sent to you from the hospital (I don't know why either... its like your just getting to where you feel ok again and they show up in the mail)
16. Your heart will break for someone you don't really know when you hear they have had a similar experience and you will drop a card off or email them explaining far too much I'm sure!!
I'm sure I could go on and on.... but ..... I will post later about the sequence of events for me just for journal sake don't feel any obligations to read it.... but hopefully if anyone has had any of these experiences or is going through anything similar this will be of help....... Just one thing I pray continually is that my own daughters will not have to read this to help theirselves.... that is one thing I prayed during the whole thing was ... I will do this over and over just don't let it happen to them!!
I'm afraid this has been a sad post when really I meant it to be that you can overcome things that you thought you couldn't that God has a plan and knows more then we do about the big picture and that you can actually be greatful for these trials....
That we can feel like we are just not getting what your trying to teach me and then look back a few years later and figure out you actually were.....
S.O. Winter Area Games
12 years ago
11 comments:
It's such an unbelievably hard, personal topic -- and yet I think for people who are going through it, just knowing they're not alone, it's a HUGE comfort to find someone willing to share their experiences candidly! Both my cousin (on one side of my family) and my sister in law (on the other) suffered painful second trimester losses within a week of each other, and despite never having met in person, I know that they've become fairly close through emails and phone conversations over the last several months. My sister in law put it this way, "It's like you're a member of some unique, horrible club -- except it's hard to find other members! Only people who've been through it can really understand, but it's not something you just stand around talking about, so finding those connections is so difficult!"
Anyway, long story short, thanks for sharing!
You are brave to share your experiences. I only had 4 between my kids, none of them were 2nd trimester, but they still hurt. Thank you for sharing your frustrations and milestones. I know you will be able to help someone through a difficult time and they will be able to look back and say it was just a stepping stone. I did, and I know they were for a much better purpose!
I am grateful for having a fabulous neighbor with which to share the hurt and pain of having miscarriages . . . not grateful for any of the miscarriages, but it has helped me tremendously having you as a friend and neighbor with which to talk to about it. Most of mine were all late first trimester, but difficult and painful still the same. They still make my heart break and I still wonder about each of them . . . Thank you for sharing! Love you!
wow! way to be a wet blanket. just kidding. That was sad and made me cry. I always think that I would take my 4 miscarriages to your 2nd trimester ones anyday. I guess everything happens for a reason I still haven't figured out exactly the reason for mine. For the record watching your heartbroken sister hold your newborn is not easy but I for one am thankful for what I consider a special bond between neice and aunt that maybe wouldnt be there other wise.
Wow I cant stop crying!!! I am so sorry that is so sad and it is my worst fear!!! I think about it all the time what if I cant get pregnant or what if I have to go through this it really scares me I would just die!!!! You are so strong I cant believe all that you have had to go through...
i can't even comment, maybe because I'm way pregnant and just worry about something happening to this sweet baby girl that is still safe in my belly. worry for selfish reason's.
I'm so sorry, Tiffany. Miscarriages are the worst! I think it's because even if you doubt that the pregnancy will be a success, deep down you are excited and planning on that baby and imagining how it's going to change your life. I know that miscarriages can only be understood if you've experienced one first hand. And I can totally relate to the feelings about Heavenly Father not trusting you enough to let you care for another one of His children. I beat myself up about that one almost daily trying to figure out why I haven't been trusted with more. It's hard.
You forgot two things to add to your list. One is how when you receive your bill from the hospital after a D&C, it refers to the procedure as an "abortion". So hurtful to a person who would never choose to end a pregnancy that they wanted more than ANYTHING. The second one is right about the time when the baby would have been born, you start getting samples of diapers and baby formula and diaper rash coupons and baby magazines in the mail. Only there's no baby to use them for. That was really hard for me.
Wow Tiffany, Thanks for blogging about this! I have not experienced this and I can not even imagine how hard it is to go through! I think you are a AMAZINGLY strong woman and thanks for sharing...... P.S. I love your blog!
Good GRIEF you know how to pull out the tears don't ya? SHEESH! You are so incredible Tiff. I am so so sorry that you've had to endure this...and I can't even imagine how you must still feel. I know that through sharing your experiences and feelings you are DEFINITELY going to help many through their own aweful rides through this. Anyway, beautiful post. Thank you SO much for sharing!
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