Stumbling Blocks......or Stepping Stones???

Do you ever find it just amazing how something that seems like a ginormous boulder that you can't even begin to imagine how you will get over or around it looking back turns into a stepping stone on to who you become....
11 years ago today (Columbine shooting day fyi) was the first of 8 miscarriages/D&C's for me...... a journey that lasted 8 years...
I have read so many blogs lately with people writing of their experiences and often wonder if I should write at all about mine.... I feel I am actually a pro at the whole thing an expert not by choice....but I wonder if my thoughts and feelings could help someone now or even help someone in the future...(I just pray not my own daughters) like a journal maybe.... so I will post a little sad part of my life but a part none the less I am grateful for still the same.....
Just a few miscarriage facts/tidbits..... For me it always seemed not to follow the norm... my doctor told me once I couldn't even have an ultra sound normal/like everyone else...
1. If you hear the heart beat your chances of miscarrying go down quite a lot.... false for me I heard it on almost everyone of mine...
2. Only 2% of the population who have a 2nd trimester or farther along miscarriage will it happen to again.... your chances of it happening twice is less then 2%....... I am the lucky less then 2%
3. Your not usually sick with babies you will miscarry.... False threw my guts up every time!!
4. If its happened once you know what to expect and it gets less sad..... You can build up a callus and not get your hopes up each time that this may be the one that is going to make it.... False No matter how much you tell yourself over and over I will not be sad this time.... you still are!!!
5. The farther along you are the harder/sadder it is... Very True!!
6. Comments like its Natures Way of Weeding out the bad are really helpful.... FALSE really can you get any dumber??? I will be sad for the healthy baby I wanted and didn't get no matter what...
7. Friends will come and refuse to leave until you come down and talk to them and you will never forget that or their kindness... others will avoid you or the topic all together and that's ok at least for me too..
8. Someone at church will ask you if your pregnant at the exact wrong time and you will respond horribly!!!! Like NO well actually yes I guess the dead baby is still in there, leaving them with no other option but just walking away.... I'm so very sorry!!
9. Your sister delivering a baby the same week you have to deliver one that didn't make it is ok, and actually holding their newborn is therapeutic... and the whole thing is probably just as hard for them as it is for you.
10. You will actually think in your head at the pool or park or what have you, would anyone notice if I just walked away with this little baby over here???
11. There will be 10 or more pregnant people in your neighborhood at the same time and half of them will talk about how they really didn't want to be and you will die inside because after so many times you wait to tell people you are even pregnant so most people don't know that you have just lost yours AGAIN.... others will find out even if you try to not let anyone know...
12. Your heart will feel completely broken and you can not imagine ever feeling happy. Yet with prayer amazingly you are comforted.
13. You will cry your eyes out when the bruise from your I.V goes away because that is the last thing you have left of that little baby you held in your arms for just that brief second!
14. You will feel completely guilty (at least me) for everything you could have possibly done wrong in the past few days/weeks that would have caused Heavenly Father to not trust you with another little person.... (crazy thoughts I'm sure but none the less exactly how I felt every time). Like yelling at your neighbor over something really stupid... yelling at your kids...etc etc
15. You will still cry 11 years later reading a sweet note from your older brother, or6 years later looking at pictures sent to you from the hospital (I don't know why either... its like your just getting to where you feel ok again and they show up in the mail)
16. Your heart will break for someone you don't really know when you hear they have had a similar experience and you will drop a card off or email them explaining far too much I'm sure!!

I'm sure I could go on and on.... but ..... I will post later about the sequence of events for me just for journal sake don't feel any obligations to read it.... but hopefully if anyone has had any of these experiences or is going through anything similar this will be of help....... Just one thing I pray continually is that my own daughters will not have to read this to help theirselves.... that is one thing I prayed during the whole thing was ... I will do this over and over just don't let it happen to them!!

I'm afraid this has been a sad post when really I meant it to be that you can overcome things that you thought you couldn't that God has a plan and knows more then we do about the big picture and that you can actually be greatful for these trials....
That we can feel like we are just not getting what your trying to teach me and then look back a few years later and figure out you actually were.....

Stumbling Blocks or stepping stones cont...

Ok so I think I have given the wrong impression..... with my Chutes and Ladders post and then this one.....Yes life has trials and sometimes they are harder then others and sometimes change happens whether you want it to or not but I still feel as though I am continually given more then I deserve!! I did feel a pressure around my chest for the first week or 2 after Tom lost his job a bit panic stricken.... but things will work out and I already have seen Gods hand helping us out!! Sometimes you need a swift kick to remind you what is really important and that's all that has happened...... As for the miscarriage post, it has been on my mind since before and actually it is because I have come to a peaceful place with the whole thing that I can write about it...During it all I always needed everyone to think I had it all together that nothing ruffles me that I am in control!! Not the true case but it is such a big part of who I now am that I want to record it....

So...... Tom and I got married in August of 1993 by February 1994 we were already trying to have a baby.....I know super fast and its not like we were super old either, but all I had ever wanted was to be a mom and have a little bunny family.... you know lots of kids close together.... We had our first in February of 1995 only 1 1/2 years after we were married... the following May 15 months later we had our 2nd (faster then I had planned)... so needless to say on our 3rd anniversary we had 2 kids already so in April of 1999 when I went in for my 14 week appointment and they could not find the heart beat to say I was shocked is an understatement.... Healthy babies were just handed out like food stamps right.... I had never even been worried in the slightest bit with my first two very naive to say the least. They had me schedule an ultra sound to be sure I prayed with all my heart that things would be ok... they weren't the baby measured to be 13 weeks and 6 days.... it had died that morning or the day before they had figured.... The ultra sound lady was so rude too.... I asked her if something was wrong... is everything ok... all she would say was I am not at liberty to say anything... I AM NOT STUPID.... I see the flat line heart beat across the screen I see the mean grimace on your face just tell me what I don't want to hear! So my doctor suggest a D & C the next day the main thing I remember about this was as I was waiting in the little doctors room that song by Sarah McLaughlin... In the Arms of an Angel was playing overhead... I could still hear it as they walked me down the hall away from Tom I remember looking back at him so scared that he couldn't go with me and I felt like a little kid super super scared!!! I was so sad I had know idea this is how people felt, you hear about a miscarriage and think ok not too big of deal, but once you join this awful club you realize just how big of deal it really feels to you. I still get a little sad when I hear that song. (the same way I feel when I hear the Best time of my life song and think of Timmy)
We had a trip planned to Moab for the weekend, we decided to still go, I needed to get out of the house, people had sent me flowers which was super nice but I felt like I was living in a funeral and didn't like it....on the trip I started to not feel so good, I had never experienced this before so I just thought that is how it goes...we had taken Andrew and Corbin and Autumn with us, despite my extreme orneriness it was a really fun trip.... however if you look at the pictures of me you would be surprised that Tom did not figure out something was terribly wrong with me....by Monday morning my stomach was growing bigger and bigger I now looked more pregnant then I had the week before, and I could not walk up the stairs without almost passing out and I had the worst headache.... I finally called the doctor, she had me come in immediately to an ultra sound.... when the ultra sound tech saw me, she said you walked in here???? Ya... I had walked up to delicate arch two days before.... anyway I had what is called "Post abortal syndrome" doesn't the word abortal in that sound lovely!! What had happened was my cervix had closed too soon and some how this causes severe bleeding in your uterus... they said half the blood of my whole body was sitting in my uterus... they wheeled me immediately away for another D& C (????) I had to stay overnight in the hospital this time to make sure that I did not need a blood transfusion etc... (I had 2 doctors through all my miscarriages, and between the 2 of them they had only seen this happen 2x me being one of the 2). The funny thing was the doctor at a follow up appointment told me not to worry the labs said it was only blood they found... what else could it have been??? tools? I think she was worried it would have been baby parts... another lovely thing to hear. My sister Amber swears she made some kind of huge mistake and refused to ever have a D& C after this.... I think because of how far along I have always been they really have not given me too much of a choice!!
After you have a miscarriage they encourage you to wait about 2 to 3 months before trying again. I waited the 2 months and decided to give it another try (little did I know that I would follow this pattern quite a lot). So by September I was in for another appointment where things were not working out... I don't remember how far along I was possibly 11 weeks if I remember right... anyway the thing I remember most about this one besides "this did not happen again" was.... they sent me in for an ultra sound, they wanted to use the lovely wand you know so they can do an "inside" job..... well they had a student in their "do you mind if she watches"? I guess not.... not real happy about it, but I am a little distraught right now so whatever..... so ya now I have them talking about how you work the stupid thing and then I hear do you mind if she gives it a try?? Why the hell not lets just have a training session which my chach!!! Ok so don't mind I am looking on the screen seeing yet again a lifeless little baby and they are saying things like "ya move it to the left to the right......quite the experience.... I think I would have laughed like crazy if I had not been so sad.... I know I laughed later telling people of the experience! Really common sense people!.....
So anyway the 3rd time was the charm and we had our 3rd baby in October of 2000.... the timing in our life was better then if it had been the year before and don't your appreciate all the more something you had to work harder for (then just being handed like food stamps??? (I'm not sure where that analogie came from and I'm actually just making fun of my self now). I remember just sitting awake all night with Olivia thinking it was the greatest thing ever because I had a healthy "unhappy" baby to hold!! The funny thing was I had thought I want a baby so bad just even give me one with downs their so cute (and they always believe in you know....) then walking into the hospital to deliver I got scared of all that would entail and changed my mind..... as we were walking I saw a cute little downs guy cleaning the windows... and then the movie that was on was "The other sister" about a handicap girl I was sure it was a sign..... the first thing I said to Tom was "how are her eyes?" he just laughed and said she's fine.... boy had my world changed!! I had become a worrier!
The one thing I hated during this was.... people saying things like.... You already have a boy and a girl why would you want more?? Or can you really afford another one anyway? Duh really stupid comments!! (usually by family too) Maybe I am selfish for wanting more, but........... that was my adventure in getting cute little liv a love.... I will post later on the journey for Canyon it only gets more fun right!!!

Miscarriages... part 3

I used to know every original due date and little facts about each pregnancy/miscarriage even how many weeks totaled I had been pregnant in my life and now most of that has faded from my memory.... So # 3 I only remember going and doing blood test every few days to see if my hormone levels were doubling, which they weren't so I knew pretty early on this time things were not working out.....#4 I was the Young Women's President I had not told anyone that I was even pregnant under the circumstances I had learned to not tell for a really long time so less people would know when it did not work out....anyway we were driving down to Snow College for a Youth Conference their was one other leader going with me and then a mom driving girls down(not planning on staying).... Well on the drive down I had all this fluid come out sort of blood sort of not (sorry tmi) anyway I drove the girls down, told the 2 other adults I was pregnant and what was going on and that I needed to run to my doctor and that I would be back....needless to say the volunteer driver ended up staying for me and I did not make it back, I went in for an ultra sound and the heart was still beating, but I had had a huge tear in the placenta... I was put on bed rest and told to come back in a week and we would see how things looked... before the week was up I knew things were not right, I stopped feeling sick which was always a bad sign for me.... I knew what was happening this time... when I went back the next week I was right, and the baby had actually died maybe the day after the first ultra sound not enough of the placenta left. Its the weirdest kind of sadness and hard to explain, but if you've experienced it you know what I am talking about. Also after a D&C they give you this drug I think it is called Premarin maybe... anyway the doctor didn't tell me that it makes you depressed, I looked it up after a few different miscarriages where I would be doing ok, then 1/2 hour after I had taken the medicine I would start crying again. Of course your going to be sad and emotional, but the hormones running crazy through your body really add to the whole thing!!
#5 don't remember too much I know I had made it to 13 or 14 weeks, isn't that awful I don't remember anything else??? I think part of that is because #6 takes over all the allotted memory space in my brain. So because I had lost 2 or 3 already at around 14 weeks, I got overly anxious around this time.... I probably really needed some Valium or something.... I would actually have anxiety attacks going into the doctors office... I even went in last year just for an annual and started having one because of the room they put me in..... actually I just have a flash back and I think it goes to #5 I was in the office with the doctor we had just done an ultra sound to verify that we again had no heart beat.... Tom tries to call me, I don't answer he knows it has been a long time so things might be bad, I can't answer the phone or get to it to even turn the ringer off..... the best/worst part the ring tone is the song "Another One Bites the Dust" can you even believe the irony?? My easy going Dr. is even getting annoyed at how many times he called and at the ring!!.... ok so back to #6 I go in for my 15 week apt everything looks good measurements all right good heart beat etc... I should be in the clear right??? I go back in at 18 weeks we talk about scheduling the regular ultra sound etc.... no heart beat that flat line screen is just etched in brain and gives me the heeby jeebies just thinking about it...... this can not be happening I have made it past my scary point.... how can this be possible... Then he gives me the best news he thinks I am too far along to have a D&C and that I need to think about delivering this baby.... He will let me think about it and get back to him.... I can't decide he said my chances of Post Abortal Syndrome again scares him and honestly he didn't know much about it but essentially it was up to me. He had done all my other d&C's with an ultra sound which they did not use the first time to make sure this wouldn't happen.... So I go home, decide I just want to do a D&C so I can be put out and not have to deal with it all. I call him and he says no I'm sorry I think it would be best if you deliver it being your 18 weeks along... The best news right oh and my surgery date is Tuesday the same day we have your sister scheduled for a C-Section are you kidding me.... I agree what else can I do, but I beg him please please do not tell my sister I don't want to ruin her day I don't want her feeling sorry for me when she should be having one of the happiest days of her life.... So dumb me I think I can keep this from my sister who lives next door for 3 to 4 days..... When I get bad news like this I come home I drive straight into my garage shut the door right behind me and don't answer the door or phone, she saw this and knew immediately what was happening!! Thank Heavens though the next day her water breaks and she has her baby cute little Zarley binks on Saturday and we do not have to have our worst and best days on the same day....
I will post on Sunday the rest of the story!!

The Final Saga

Sorry, I had to be ready to tell "the rest of the story" and I've had a few other things going on taking over any brain space.....
So (some of this maybe tmi just to warn you) the doctor gives me this pill, just one I don't remember anymore what it was, but on his notes it says insert vaginally if unable take orally, the night before I was scheduled to come in to deliver. Ok so the question I had was if it doesn't work you put it in your mouth after you have tried to insert it down yonder really with out a back up pill??? Tom and I got a good laugh out of this and so did the Dr. when I asked him.... so we probably came across very weird to the hospital staff when checking in, and we were laughing etc..... My friend Michelle taught me once though that you can either laugh or cry about something, but its not going to change the situation either way.... (Very good advice from a 17 year old running down the street at 11:30 at night in front of the mall because we had no ride home... I was the cryer she the laugher) anyway I was scared but I felt I knew what to expect I had done this before and had already cried my eyes out for the past 3 days.... So we go into labor and delivery pretty calm pretty ok... They give me more of that same drug, its supposed to put you in labor... other states use it instead of Pitosin... so they say I should be done by 8 or 9 at night. The dr. comes back in later that night and feels I'm not moving fast enough so he tells them to triple the dosage of whatever it was.... It makes you dilate.... They also gave me this other drug it was supposed to take the edge off the pain... the problem was it only works for 1/2 hour but they can only give it to you every hour, so lets triple the dose and speed this up yet lets make sure you do that so when my body comes off the edge cutting drug I am in more pain then I have ever experienced in my life....
Poor Tom is over in the corner with his lap top because he doesn't know what to do he can't help me I'm in so much pain, the drugs made me sick and sweaty and everything awful you can imagine..... I get up to try and go to the bathroom and walk to see if that will help or subside the pain a little, I feel the baby coming I sit down in the bathroom with this little bowl thing so weird and out comes this little lifeless baby... I look at him a little not too much because I still have to deliver the placenta and it is stuck... the dr comes in and is trying to pull it lose... my hands are gripping the side bars of the bed in the death grip of all death grips because like I said I have never ever ever felt this kind of pain...I guess its delivering a baby with out drugs only you don't get the reward at the end (is how I felt, but now writing that feel kind of bad saying that) anyway the dr. looks at the nurses and he is mad he asks them why does she not have an epidural?? Are you kidding me I could have done this with an epidural?? He then says put her out right now....really why wasn't this done 12 hours ago, I'm thinking... better yet 3 days ago would have been nice!
So 4:00 am I get put in a room for the rest of the night they had to do another emergency D&C to get the placenta. Thank heavens this hospital though has a little more tack and they put me away from the maternity ward, when I had the other emergency d & c they put me in the maternity ward where I could hear all these mothers asking for their babies, or hear the cute little babies cry.... So before they put me out, Tom held the little baby and checked him out he and the nurse said it was a boy, and asked me if I wanted to hold him... I said no (????
) So up in the hospital room they send me a grievance counselor I swear she made everything worse.... and when I was done talking to her I didn't stop crying for probably a month, literally. I felt so guilty for not holding the little baby so I went down and asked them to please let me hold him, why would I not hold him I thought I had so many hours of holding my other children why in the world would I not take the chance when given.....so they wheeled me into this room where they pulled it out of like a freezer or cupboard or something.... anyway lucky for me the pathology dr. had just had a daughter who had experienced this he sat with me as I cried and held this tiny tiny little baby for the one and only time... It had been about 6 hours since he was born, and something was very different. The dr knew this and said its not the same is it??? The spirit has left him... that is exactly what it was, he told me his daughter had felt the same way. When I first delivered the baby I could feel a little spirit with us and it was definitely gone by this point. How sad I missed my chance.
Before the delivery they had asked us if we wanted a funeral etc etc we felt like that was too much and had decided not to name the baby or anything, but after I held him I felt he deserved a name.. I don't know that I even told Tom this, but I really felt I should name him William... not even a name we had ever talked about, and this is something I just kept to my self... a few days later I looked up the name in a baby book because I just kept thinking about it... It means protector.... How cool is that, we have our own little protector!
So the next few weeks were some of the hardest weeks of my life your body had all these hormones and no baby to counteract them with so your all jacked up besides the fact that you are just really sad!!
You don't really want people to know yet you do for the poor little baby's sake you want someone to acknowledge or realize they did exist... I remember driving by a neighbors house who had had a baby the same day, they had a big sign out side... I remember crying so hard I had to pull over and I was just yelling over and over so did I so did I does anyone know I had a baby too!
I felt as though I was in the deepest depression ever, I didn't want to get out of bed I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything besides sit home and feel sorry for my self. I feel really sorry for people who suffer from depression that was a hard week or 2 being out of whack like that, lucky for me though I knew something wasn't right that I was not my normal self. I would just pray because I was so sad, I remember one time the answer being call your mom... I called her and just said I can't stop crying. She was so great, not really saying much just crying with me. I had Friends who came over and did the same. I truly believe you will be comforted when you mourn!!
Sorry if this is sad, I myself have been crying for the past 15 minutes straight just writing all this!

Anyway that was January 13 2004 I had another miscarriage in the summer and then eventually had Canyon in August of 2005... my mom sent me a card in the middle of it all that said don't give up I know there is one more for you.... I had been praying to know if I should keep trying or not and this was another prayer answered a little card (listen to those promptings!) I am so grateful we kept trying even though it was heart break after heart break... We wouldn't have cute little Canyon if we hadn't... During this time (before Canyon) I went to see a specialist, I had already had every test done with no answers as to why I was miscarrying. The specialist said to me maybe I should just get involved in my church or in my other kids lives... at the time I was the Young Women's president and in charge of spelling at school I think I was pretty involved....With my permission they took lots of my blood for testing now and in the future and I went back to my regular dr asking him if he would see me through this. When Canyon was 1 day old my Dr... Dr Nielsen came in and gave me a hug and we both cried, from utter relief that we had finally gotten this baby here safe and sound. After 5 miscarriages all but 1 second trimester (besides the 2 before Olivia), after over 500 shots to my stomach a crazy ultra sound... we had finally done it and I had a healthy beautiful baby boy!! I slept with him every night just to make sure he was ok.
I also decided to give it one more try after Canyon was born ( I had given myself shots for most of my pregnancy with Canyon and had really felt like this was why it had worked) however I lost one more about 14 weeks along again even though I was doing the shots and so I figured I have been very very blessed with 4 beautiful healthy children..... and that was great enough!!
Just a little side note on having Canyon we had a horrible ultra sound where they couldn't find his bladder or stomach and they told us he would be born with all these problems, we fasted that weekend, and when we went back into be checked again they found it right away, they had looked for 2 hours the Friday before we had witnessed our own little miracle!!
I was such a nervous wreck too, I actually rented a machine from the hospital so I could listen to his heart beat. I did this several times each day! He was worth every bit of it all!!
Now we will move on to happy posts..... I accidentally posted this on my dance news blog earlier today how embarrassing is that!!! I'm actually glad I wrote this all down... the crazy thing is is it makes me want another baby!! Don't worry I do know I'm too old!!

Lake Powell 2011 Part 1

Lake Powell is my favorite place on earth!... well one of them.
We have gone almost every single year since I was a little kid... Now my whole family with all of our children go each August and it is something I look forward to all year! This year we had a blast! The kids all got new pets... Canyon's lizard was named lightning... I think Lila's was Thunder and I don't remember all the other kids. Tom helped them catch them on a rock across the lake from where we stayed, he swam back with them on his head to give to each of the kids. He is such a good dad! I will post pictures of it that Corbin took in part 2....
Olivia learned how to waterski....
She wanted me to be out in the water with her when she started I held on to the back of her to keep her steady... she did not need my help. I usually do this with the kids and they go a short distance and we try again and then they're done.... liv a love went forever!
she even crossed the wake on this first try!
we took a trip/hike up to the Indian Ruins.. the kids all thought it was pretty great. We hadn't been there for years... this was my moms first trip after having her foot amputated... she was such a great example for all the kids... she water skied, she hiked with us all and she swam across the lake.. She even took part in our first ever Survivor style races... we split into two teams... I think we ended up as the sparkley dragons named by cute little emme... It was so fun we relayed down the slide then across the cove and back, canoed around the cove and hiked up a mtn.... I hope it will be a new tradition!
Here the kids are at the ruins... all of us moms kept wondering how the Indian families kept their children from falling off the cliffs each day.. they lived pretty high up there!
Down inside the rock built homes.... it still smells like pee... oh the nostalgia!

Oh Tom... he likes to take pictures of himself on vacation!

The kids had such a good time playing with all their cousins.... fishing swimming, canoeing etc... I just love that white hair!



Oh man I am counting down the days until this August when we go again!!!

The ride home

We drove straight home the whole 24 hours it was a very long drive not as bad as you would imagine though... this is just a quick stop so we could document the states we crossed!

Kate Jablonski!!

The whole reason we had gone to Chicago was to go to "Camp Kate" She is my very favorite choreographer. She is amazing! Above is all the girls attending the camp...
Here are the girls ready to get started. They danced for 6 hours each day for 3 days.. they sweat for 6 hours each day they worked so hard. I was the creepy lurker in the background. My goal is to dance it this next year I was just worried because of my back and self doubt and old age etc etc...
Here we are getting her to sign our shirts. She really is so amazing, she had this one dance she was teaching and when she was having the girls walk through a part the old wood floor was creaking the beat of the song. Her choreography matches the music so perfectly the movements made the floor make music!
Here she is with all us "Utah" girls...
I'm a little obsessed! Here she and I are together.... Can't wait for next year!
Another I'll try and post.. but I will try and post some of the dances.... So worth the drive!