Stumbling Blocks or stepping stones cont...

Ok so I think I have given the wrong impression..... with my Chutes and Ladders post and then this one.....Yes life has trials and sometimes they are harder then others and sometimes change happens whether you want it to or not but I still feel as though I am continually given more then I deserve!! I did feel a pressure around my chest for the first week or 2 after Tom lost his job a bit panic stricken.... but things will work out and I already have seen Gods hand helping us out!! Sometimes you need a swift kick to remind you what is really important and that's all that has happened...... As for the miscarriage post, it has been on my mind since before and actually it is because I have come to a peaceful place with the whole thing that I can write about it...During it all I always needed everyone to think I had it all together that nothing ruffles me that I am in control!! Not the true case but it is such a big part of who I now am that I want to record it....

So...... Tom and I got married in August of 1993 by February 1994 we were already trying to have a baby.....I know super fast and its not like we were super old either, but all I had ever wanted was to be a mom and have a little bunny family.... you know lots of kids close together.... We had our first in February of 1995 only 1 1/2 years after we were married... the following May 15 months later we had our 2nd (faster then I had planned)... so needless to say on our 3rd anniversary we had 2 kids already so in April of 1999 when I went in for my 14 week appointment and they could not find the heart beat to say I was shocked is an understatement.... Healthy babies were just handed out like food stamps right.... I had never even been worried in the slightest bit with my first two very naive to say the least. They had me schedule an ultra sound to be sure I prayed with all my heart that things would be ok... they weren't the baby measured to be 13 weeks and 6 days.... it had died that morning or the day before they had figured.... The ultra sound lady was so rude too.... I asked her if something was wrong... is everything ok... all she would say was I am not at liberty to say anything... I AM NOT STUPID.... I see the flat line heart beat across the screen I see the mean grimace on your face just tell me what I don't want to hear! So my doctor suggest a D & C the next day the main thing I remember about this was as I was waiting in the little doctors room that song by Sarah McLaughlin... In the Arms of an Angel was playing overhead... I could still hear it as they walked me down the hall away from Tom I remember looking back at him so scared that he couldn't go with me and I felt like a little kid super super scared!!! I was so sad I had know idea this is how people felt, you hear about a miscarriage and think ok not too big of deal, but once you join this awful club you realize just how big of deal it really feels to you. I still get a little sad when I hear that song. (the same way I feel when I hear the Best time of my life song and think of Timmy)
We had a trip planned to Moab for the weekend, we decided to still go, I needed to get out of the house, people had sent me flowers which was super nice but I felt like I was living in a funeral and didn't like it....on the trip I started to not feel so good, I had never experienced this before so I just thought that is how it goes...we had taken Andrew and Corbin and Autumn with us, despite my extreme orneriness it was a really fun trip.... however if you look at the pictures of me you would be surprised that Tom did not figure out something was terribly wrong with me....by Monday morning my stomach was growing bigger and bigger I now looked more pregnant then I had the week before, and I could not walk up the stairs without almost passing out and I had the worst headache.... I finally called the doctor, she had me come in immediately to an ultra sound.... when the ultra sound tech saw me, she said you walked in here???? Ya... I had walked up to delicate arch two days before.... anyway I had what is called "Post abortal syndrome" doesn't the word abortal in that sound lovely!! What had happened was my cervix had closed too soon and some how this causes severe bleeding in your uterus... they said half the blood of my whole body was sitting in my uterus... they wheeled me immediately away for another D& C (????) I had to stay overnight in the hospital this time to make sure that I did not need a blood transfusion etc... (I had 2 doctors through all my miscarriages, and between the 2 of them they had only seen this happen 2x me being one of the 2). The funny thing was the doctor at a follow up appointment told me not to worry the labs said it was only blood they found... what else could it have been??? tools? I think she was worried it would have been baby parts... another lovely thing to hear. My sister Amber swears she made some kind of huge mistake and refused to ever have a D& C after this.... I think because of how far along I have always been they really have not given me too much of a choice!!
After you have a miscarriage they encourage you to wait about 2 to 3 months before trying again. I waited the 2 months and decided to give it another try (little did I know that I would follow this pattern quite a lot). So by September I was in for another appointment where things were not working out... I don't remember how far along I was possibly 11 weeks if I remember right... anyway the thing I remember most about this one besides "this did not happen again" was.... they sent me in for an ultra sound, they wanted to use the lovely wand you know so they can do an "inside" job..... well they had a student in their "do you mind if she watches"? I guess not.... not real happy about it, but I am a little distraught right now so whatever..... so ya now I have them talking about how you work the stupid thing and then I hear do you mind if she gives it a try?? Why the hell not lets just have a training session which my chach!!! Ok so don't mind I am looking on the screen seeing yet again a lifeless little baby and they are saying things like "ya move it to the left to the right......quite the experience.... I think I would have laughed like crazy if I had not been so sad.... I know I laughed later telling people of the experience! Really common sense people!.....
So anyway the 3rd time was the charm and we had our 3rd baby in October of 2000.... the timing in our life was better then if it had been the year before and don't your appreciate all the more something you had to work harder for (then just being handed like food stamps??? (I'm not sure where that analogie came from and I'm actually just making fun of my self now). I remember just sitting awake all night with Olivia thinking it was the greatest thing ever because I had a healthy "unhappy" baby to hold!! The funny thing was I had thought I want a baby so bad just even give me one with downs their so cute (and they always believe in you know....) then walking into the hospital to deliver I got scared of all that would entail and changed my mind..... as we were walking I saw a cute little downs guy cleaning the windows... and then the movie that was on was "The other sister" about a handicap girl I was sure it was a sign..... the first thing I said to Tom was "how are her eyes?" he just laughed and said she's fine.... boy had my world changed!! I had become a worrier!
The one thing I hated during this was.... people saying things like.... You already have a boy and a girl why would you want more?? Or can you really afford another one anyway? Duh really stupid comments!! (usually by family too) Maybe I am selfish for wanting more, but........... that was my adventure in getting cute little liv a love.... I will post later on the journey for Canyon it only gets more fun right!!!