The Final Saga

Sorry, I had to be ready to tell "the rest of the story" and I've had a few other things going on taking over any brain space.....
So (some of this maybe tmi just to warn you) the doctor gives me this pill, just one I don't remember anymore what it was, but on his notes it says insert vaginally if unable take orally, the night before I was scheduled to come in to deliver. Ok so the question I had was if it doesn't work you put it in your mouth after you have tried to insert it down yonder really with out a back up pill??? Tom and I got a good laugh out of this and so did the Dr. when I asked him.... so we probably came across very weird to the hospital staff when checking in, and we were laughing etc..... My friend Michelle taught me once though that you can either laugh or cry about something, but its not going to change the situation either way.... (Very good advice from a 17 year old running down the street at 11:30 at night in front of the mall because we had no ride home... I was the cryer she the laugher) anyway I was scared but I felt I knew what to expect I had done this before and had already cried my eyes out for the past 3 days.... So we go into labor and delivery pretty calm pretty ok... They give me more of that same drug, its supposed to put you in labor... other states use it instead of Pitosin... so they say I should be done by 8 or 9 at night. The dr. comes back in later that night and feels I'm not moving fast enough so he tells them to triple the dosage of whatever it was.... It makes you dilate.... They also gave me this other drug it was supposed to take the edge off the pain... the problem was it only works for 1/2 hour but they can only give it to you every hour, so lets triple the dose and speed this up yet lets make sure you do that so when my body comes off the edge cutting drug I am in more pain then I have ever experienced in my life....
Poor Tom is over in the corner with his lap top because he doesn't know what to do he can't help me I'm in so much pain, the drugs made me sick and sweaty and everything awful you can imagine..... I get up to try and go to the bathroom and walk to see if that will help or subside the pain a little, I feel the baby coming I sit down in the bathroom with this little bowl thing so weird and out comes this little lifeless baby... I look at him a little not too much because I still have to deliver the placenta and it is stuck... the dr comes in and is trying to pull it lose... my hands are gripping the side bars of the bed in the death grip of all death grips because like I said I have never ever ever felt this kind of pain...I guess its delivering a baby with out drugs only you don't get the reward at the end (is how I felt, but now writing that feel kind of bad saying that) anyway the dr. looks at the nurses and he is mad he asks them why does she not have an epidural?? Are you kidding me I could have done this with an epidural?? He then says put her out right now....really why wasn't this done 12 hours ago, I'm thinking... better yet 3 days ago would have been nice!
So 4:00 am I get put in a room for the rest of the night they had to do another emergency D&C to get the placenta. Thank heavens this hospital though has a little more tack and they put me away from the maternity ward, when I had the other emergency d & c they put me in the maternity ward where I could hear all these mothers asking for their babies, or hear the cute little babies cry.... So before they put me out, Tom held the little baby and checked him out he and the nurse said it was a boy, and asked me if I wanted to hold him... I said no (????
) So up in the hospital room they send me a grievance counselor I swear she made everything worse.... and when I was done talking to her I didn't stop crying for probably a month, literally. I felt so guilty for not holding the little baby so I went down and asked them to please let me hold him, why would I not hold him I thought I had so many hours of holding my other children why in the world would I not take the chance when given.....so they wheeled me into this room where they pulled it out of like a freezer or cupboard or something.... anyway lucky for me the pathology dr. had just had a daughter who had experienced this he sat with me as I cried and held this tiny tiny little baby for the one and only time... It had been about 6 hours since he was born, and something was very different. The dr knew this and said its not the same is it??? The spirit has left him... that is exactly what it was, he told me his daughter had felt the same way. When I first delivered the baby I could feel a little spirit with us and it was definitely gone by this point. How sad I missed my chance.
Before the delivery they had asked us if we wanted a funeral etc etc we felt like that was too much and had decided not to name the baby or anything, but after I held him I felt he deserved a name.. I don't know that I even told Tom this, but I really felt I should name him William... not even a name we had ever talked about, and this is something I just kept to my self... a few days later I looked up the name in a baby book because I just kept thinking about it... It means protector.... How cool is that, we have our own little protector!
So the next few weeks were some of the hardest weeks of my life your body had all these hormones and no baby to counteract them with so your all jacked up besides the fact that you are just really sad!!
You don't really want people to know yet you do for the poor little baby's sake you want someone to acknowledge or realize they did exist... I remember driving by a neighbors house who had had a baby the same day, they had a big sign out side... I remember crying so hard I had to pull over and I was just yelling over and over so did I so did I does anyone know I had a baby too!
I felt as though I was in the deepest depression ever, I didn't want to get out of bed I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything besides sit home and feel sorry for my self. I feel really sorry for people who suffer from depression that was a hard week or 2 being out of whack like that, lucky for me though I knew something wasn't right that I was not my normal self. I would just pray because I was so sad, I remember one time the answer being call your mom... I called her and just said I can't stop crying. She was so great, not really saying much just crying with me. I had Friends who came over and did the same. I truly believe you will be comforted when you mourn!!
Sorry if this is sad, I myself have been crying for the past 15 minutes straight just writing all this!

Anyway that was January 13 2004 I had another miscarriage in the summer and then eventually had Canyon in August of 2005... my mom sent me a card in the middle of it all that said don't give up I know there is one more for you.... I had been praying to know if I should keep trying or not and this was another prayer answered a little card (listen to those promptings!) I am so grateful we kept trying even though it was heart break after heart break... We wouldn't have cute little Canyon if we hadn't... During this time (before Canyon) I went to see a specialist, I had already had every test done with no answers as to why I was miscarrying. The specialist said to me maybe I should just get involved in my church or in my other kids lives... at the time I was the Young Women's president and in charge of spelling at school I think I was pretty involved....With my permission they took lots of my blood for testing now and in the future and I went back to my regular dr asking him if he would see me through this. When Canyon was 1 day old my Dr... Dr Nielsen came in and gave me a hug and we both cried, from utter relief that we had finally gotten this baby here safe and sound. After 5 miscarriages all but 1 second trimester (besides the 2 before Olivia), after over 500 shots to my stomach a crazy ultra sound... we had finally done it and I had a healthy beautiful baby boy!! I slept with him every night just to make sure he was ok.
I also decided to give it one more try after Canyon was born ( I had given myself shots for most of my pregnancy with Canyon and had really felt like this was why it had worked) however I lost one more about 14 weeks along again even though I was doing the shots and so I figured I have been very very blessed with 4 beautiful healthy children..... and that was great enough!!
Just a little side note on having Canyon we had a horrible ultra sound where they couldn't find his bladder or stomach and they told us he would be born with all these problems, we fasted that weekend, and when we went back into be checked again they found it right away, they had looked for 2 hours the Friday before we had witnessed our own little miracle!!
I was such a nervous wreck too, I actually rented a machine from the hospital so I could listen to his heart beat. I did this several times each day! He was worth every bit of it all!!
Now we will move on to happy posts..... I accidentally posted this on my dance news blog earlier today how embarrassing is that!!! I'm actually glad I wrote this all down... the crazy thing is is it makes me want another baby!! Don't worry I do know I'm too old!!