Let me first start by congratulating Madz on making the Herriman High drill team! Way to go!! Maybe my post would be different if she had not (I am not excusing myself from any of this)
With all these tryouts going on I have had a constant question the past few days..... "WHAT Have we done to our children"??? I have had quite a few of my students, this year including my own daughter trying out for drill team or cheer or dance co. etc, and have watched the stress, the tears, the agony and the pure terror they all face with "what if I don't make it" I went one day to watch through the window at Maddie's clinics, I thought I would peek in for second, I had 7 girls in there and wanted to see what their chances were and how I could help them... my daughter would not be happy with me watching she wants to do this all on her own... however I did it anyway.... well do you think I was alone... no way there were tons of mothers all bobbing their heads trying to get a glimpse into the gym, most of them seemed extremely anxious with the same what ifs.... so here is my question and problem with the whole scenario..... What if they don't make it?? We will all live even us parents. I think we all look back at our own childhood and think "I didn't like how I felt when this or that happened" so we try to save our children from any hurt feelings or any disappointment at all. So what we have now is 15 year old girls (and boys) who have no idea with how to deal with the fact that not everyone will make it and not everyone wins!! We have created children/people who always get a trophy whether they win or not... kids who can not even have their name on the board in school for passing off math facts or anything else because someone might feel left out. Really TOO bad, that's how life works we now have children who are beside them self with grief because they didn't make the cut. The other thing I noticed is nothing is ever their fault or their lack of hard work everything is someone Else's fault, they have absolutely no ownership in their own mistakes or shortcomings.... Not everyone is good at everything, not everyone is going to get the job as adults etc so why not teach them a little disappointment and a little bit of try harder and maybe next time your name will be the one with all the stars next to it. With making everything fair and everyone always wins we are not teaching our children to work hard towards something and we are also not preparing them for the real world as adults... (Well maybe with Obama..) When I was a kid your name got on the board if you passed off your facts, you only got trophies when your team won. In fact in dance competitions all kids of the same grade went against each other, their could be 75 kids... and only 4 winners. When I went to drill team tryouts, my mom had nothing to do with it. She wasn't peeking in the window, she wasn't out in the hall after tryouts wanting to talk to the judges because they were obviously not watching her daughter fairly and their must be some mistake (I actually just heard of a mom having this exact conversation). Don't get me wrong my mom was very supportive she came to all my performances was part of the booster club etc, but it wasn't going to be the end of her world if I didn't make it. I think that is another part of the problem of what are we are doing to our kids.... we are so worried about how it will look for us, oh no our kid is not the best what will we do!! I am the worst I actually said to Maddie "do you know how this will look for me if you don't make it" I will regret that coming out of my mouth for the rest of my life.... (in my defense it is because I own my dance studio and the fact that my daughter again had a main part in the Production # stresses me out that other parents will wonder why she always gets them etc even though it was other teachers who helped me decide to let her do it, I am very very hard on her and no one understands the pressure I put on her, the constant critiquing she has to endure). I'm sure the added pressure was not something she needed and really was I worried about her feelings or just how I would look? Honestly both and that is very sad, it should be all about her and not at all about me, it should be how can I help her to make the team or to be able to handle the disappointment if she doesn't... I am failing as her mother I do have to admit and succeeding at being selfish and making everything about me!! I do have one family in my studio who have taught their children hard work and I have watched their daughter not make the team with more grace then I have seen in a long time...
Anyway what do you all think are we teaching our children to be whimps???
S.O. Winter Area Games
12 years ago
7 comments:
Love your post! Not whimps entitlement is what we are teaching them. Funny you posted this all last week I was annoyed at how spoiled my kids are and how they think they should have everything handed to them and bla bla. How do we stop it is my question?
Mike, I think you misread the post, I was blaming parents including my self completely for the problem with kids the Obama thing was a side joke... I was not blaming him in the least for our kids problems, I think you are way to eager to jump on the defense when in comes to politics, I am not that stupid to blame a president who has been in office that short on how we have raised our kids you took that completely wrong! You may want to re read the post... what I was joking about, it that now adults too are wanting everything to be fair it doesn't matter who has worked hard and who hasn't... that is adults and that is what WE are teaching our children... I take full responsibility in my child blaming others for her own shortcomings or mistakes that IS what the post was about maybe try reading it with an open mind and take a joke as just that.... I do find it funny you just see a few word sentence with Obama's name in it and you jump to all sorts of conclusions!!! I am not the same Obama hater that you think I am.... I certainly am not for his plans but......Get off my biznuts....
You are an amazing example to me and my family. Thank you for your post, I needed it and I ditto a lot of your sentiments on how we expect our children to succeed and when they don't how hard we take it as parents. I have learned after 3 strikes that all I can do is be a shoulder to cry on and an advocate for my children to do what ever makes them happy. I have been extremely humbled this year and if anything I have grown as a person from lessons taught to me by my teenagers, unbeknownst to them.
Alice You were the family I was talking about your the exception, I have never heard your girls blame anyone else for something.... and I see them work really hard, and I think they handle both making the team and not very very well!! You have done an amazing job!!
Hmmmm. Sorry this is so long. I have mixed feelings on this one…you could look at it and think that kids have their whole life to learn about disappointment so why wouldn’t I try to protect them from it as long as I can. When the time comes to handle rejection or disappointment, maybe if I have taught them by example (probably the hardest, but best way to teach) how to deal with change and challenges they will naturally deal with the things life throws their way. Maybe?
Or on the other hand...not everything has to be fair and I think as parents we need to teach our kids that it is okay when everything doesn’t go their way. That’s part of life. You need to work hard and do your part and leave the rest to fate (God). Not just with tryouts, school, etc., but with everything. I think we should give our kids more than they need, but not give kids everything they want. I really don’t want my kids to have the entitlement mentality that so many people (not just kids) have. Because my kids are still younger we are not dealing with tryouts and school yet. We are starting with the basics in life.
Too bad we can't all just teach our kids:
-It is more fun to win, but sometimes you lose and it’s gonna be rough. When you do lose, lose gracefully. Nothing is worse than a sore loser. Let others enjoy their win and work hard so you can be the winner the next time. (This is one we work with Lila on. Surprisingly she is quite competitive, just like her daddy.)
-You don’t get everything you want. You will live. You will be okay.
-Mom and dad can’t bail you out of everything. We will stand by you and support you, but you still have to deal with the consequences of your actions, even when it is hard. You pick someones flowers or break something that isn't yours you need to apologize and ask what you can do to make it right.
-No matter what, we love your guts.
I could go on about this forever and I know I am all over the place. I hate telling my kids no and I wish I could give them everything they want, but bottom line is I can’t and everyone else shouldn’t have to give my kids everything they want either. If kids could all win at everything and be well balanced adults that would be one thing, but it isn’t how it works. I think the current state of our country (nothing to do with Obama) shows that everyone wants to win, but not everyone wants to work hard. Maybe more than the everyone wins theory, it is more of everyone is entitled to win theory?
This is such a great post and so funny because Rob and I were just talking about this. I see kids who get WHATEVER they want all the time and I am so not this way. Like some of the other posts my kids are small and not trying out for big things yet but I try to start with the small things that hopefully will teach my kids that they won't always get what they WANT in life. I know kids that throw complete tantrums if they don't get the toy, food, etc. And then watch their parents turn around and give it to them. I think that is so wrong if any of my kids did that they should know by now that is the last thing they get. My kids often say they don't want what I make for dinner or lunch etc. but to me I make one thing and if they don't like it they go without. I'm not a restraunt. This is just an example. I had a bday party the other day for Katie and one of the kids was saying things that made me think "wow they have a lot to learn in life". They weren't happy with anything they were given. I had a long talk with all my kids after that they better never act like that at another person's home. That they should be grateful and happy with whatever they are offered and gracefully eat or take it and say thanks. Maybe others don't agree with me but I really think we are to easy on our kids and yes we are teaching them that whatever they want they get and someday one of my kids will be trying out for something and wont make it and if I haven't taught them that life has dissapointments, and that they wont always win then I will feel like I have failed them. I know from my own experiences life isn't fair and it never will be. I of course will want them to make things and have good experiences in life but somehow that isn't how life works. Blah blah sorry this is just something we happened to be discussing just last week and has been on my mind. I played my fair share of sports and did pep club and things to know that there is truly nothing worse than a sore loser and I want to teach my kids to lose well. The flip side is not allowing your kids to be too shy or nonasertive that they wont stand up for themselves. Then they get walked all over. This happens all the time in life too. It's just finding the right balance I guess. Congrats to your daughter though she will do awesome and that is really exciting She truly deservs it and has worked really hard Tiffany! And please let me know if any of my kids ever act like snots around you, I want to know and dont let them get away with it please! Thanks again for the clothes they were so appreciative! You are awesome!
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